What Once Was
by morgim1103
Summary: It was empty. She was starring down at the now empty box of what once was full of cookie dough ice cream...That’s what her life just seemed to be these days, an empty box of things that once were. LJ post hogwarts


**Just an idea I had that wasn't going to be something to work into my other fic, so I figured throwing a oneshot out there couldn't be all that bad. I hope you guys enjoy it. This takes place four years after Hogwarts and James was already done with auror training and Lily was working part time jobs while waited to decide what she wanted to do.**

**Disclaimer: This story takes place with the characters and inside of the world of JK Rowling's **_**Harry Potter**_

It was empty. She was starring down at the now empty box of what once was full of cookie dough ice cream, trying to scrape off the last possible little pieces stuck to the insides of the container. Lily sighed and pulled the blankets on the couch snugger around her body. That's what her life just seemed to be these days, an empty box of things that once were.

A faint smile could be seen as she remembered her days at Hogwarts. They were filled with happiness; her and her friends sitting out by the lake, late nights sneaking out to the kitchens to get a chocolate muffin, going to the stuffy annoying, yet in a slight way enjoyable, Slug Club meetings. Life was perfect and life was wonderful. She remembered fondly of getting her letter before seventh year, and being able to feel the extra weight of the letter about to inform her that she would be the head girl. She remembered decorating the great hall with Remus for the Christmas dance they decided to have that year, and all the other prefects and a certain head boy "forgot" to help out.

The smile, as small as it was, quickly disappeared. Hogwarts was gone. It once was a place of happiness, protection, and filled Lily's life. Now that was gone, and Lily had been thrown out into the real world, wanting to be able to eat up those last connections to the old castle. Instead though, she was left pretty alone. Her friends had all gone. They decided to take a trip around the world after graduation, just as the four of them, including Lily, had all planned to do since third year. Lily remained in England though, because she wanted to hold on to another happiness that came from her Hogwarts days, James Potter.

When Lily was with him, she felt full. She thought around her he felt the same fullness, maybe he did. Full of love though? Most likely not. If he was full around her, it was probably just from the amount of food they always ended up eating together. If it was love, he never would have left her.

She grabbed the fuzzy brown bear sitting next to her on the couch. She looked at him fondly. The bear was dressed in a healers uniform, with a white apron. James had it delivered to her when she was accepted into the top healer school, the day before he left. Tears started to slowly trickle down her cheeks. Her life with James was now gone. It was something that once was. The last bit stuck to it was the memories and the bear. She hugged the bear tightly to her chest. A muffled crumpling could be heard and Lily released the bear to pull the letter out of the bear's apron. It was a letter she became extremely familiar with over the last couple of days. Her tear drops had blurred some of the words, but it didn't really matter what they said, since Lily knew the letter pretty much by heart now. She unfolded it again to see his neat script etched across the page.

_My Dearest Most beautiful (and INSANELY brilliant) Lily,_

_Congratulations on getting into Apollo Healing Academy! I'm so proud of you, you will be amazing. They will be so impressed by all the things that I initially found so attractive in you. Your optimism, gentle voice, and caring nature is just what they need at St. Mungos. You are just such an outstanding woman, and I feel so lucky to have you. _

_This might be a little rambled, but at Hogwarts your sweet and caring nature, along with your amazing energy, immediately drew me towards you and I knew you were special. What I didn't know though truly surprised me. I never thought someone could make me feel the way that you do. It's impossible understand how around you I feel so weak, yet I feel I could conquer the world. I don't understand how just your touch sends shivers across my body with so much energy every time for the past four years. I used to see you in the halls, and yes, I wanted to do what ever I could to make you smile that smile that could light up an entire city. I just wanted to be able to have you smile at me, for me. Once I got that, it was amazing, but it wasn't about me anymore. I wanted you to smile for me, so that I knew YOU were okay, and as a reassurance that everything I was doing was right. _

_It was a scary feeling. I never thought that I could feel so much for a person, and need someone as much as I need you. I can't imagine a life without you. You give me this power that I never thought I could have. All I want is to keep you happy and safe, and if that was the one thing I accomplished at the time of my death, I would die happy. _

_I love you Lillian Evans. _

_I'm yours, forever and always,_

_James_

_P.S. Does dinner tomorrow night sound good? It's supposed to be beautiful tomorrow night so I'm thinking _Vita_? I have a surprise for you. Owl me back if that works. I'll pick you up at eight._

She did owl him back, and right away saying she couldn't wait to see him. _Vita_ was one of the nicest restaurants around, and Lily was so excited. She thought the surprise was a ring with a proposal. Even Sirius was cracking jokes recently about the two of them getting married soon and James just would sit there with his big lopsided grin.

She spent extra time getting ready that night after getting her nails and hair done earlier in the day. She didn't do anything fancy with her hair, she just left it down, but still, only the people at the salon could dry it just right. She wore her favorite dress, which James had said was his favorite to see her in as well. It was bottle green, which just really made her eyes pop, and had tiny bits of gold thread subtly sewn in through it. It was a halter dress that was fitted through her upper body and then was full with bounce to just below her knees. After working for at least thirty minutes getting just the right amount of make-up on, she heard a pop from outside of her apartment and then the doorbell ring. She practically ran to the door and pulled it open to see James in dress robes but looking pretty grim. Lily knew something was most definitely wrong.

"I leave tomorrow morning to go to be stationed in the US." He looked at the ground the entire time, not making eye contact with her once. Lily's eyes started to fill with tears. Before she could say anything he whispered "Goodbye Lily," and apparated.

Since that night Lily and the following three days Lily hadn't left the couch, with the exception of when she got up about forty minutes ago to get the ice cream from her freezer. Her dress was completely disheveled and her stiletto heels had long ago been thrown violently against the wall. Her hair became a knotted mess and was looking pretty greasy from the need of a shower. Her eyeliner and mascara had relocated from her eyes to down her cheeks.

She felt like an idiot, just like she had since she opened the door to him. It was all a trick the entire time. He was probably only dressed up just because he was going to go celebrate with his buddies his acceptance. He always wanted to go see the states. The two had talked about it numerous times. Lily stupidly assumed when he went it would be the two of them together, and it would be a trip, not the cause of her losing him.

He had said he loved her, and that he needed her, but in reality it didn't mean anything but pretty words on paper. It didn't matter what he had said to her, or the things they felt for each other. Those were things that once were, and never could be again.

She heard the doorbell ring, and had no intention of opening it, and she could care less about who it was. Keys could be heard rattling and Lily froze as her heart was in her throat. No one had keys to her apartment except for herself, herself and _him_.

_Shit, he can't see me like this!_ Without having time to think, she curled up on the sofa and threw the blanket over herself. Hopefully he would just come in, see the blanket and think it was just thrown onto the couch, and after not seeing Lily anywhere else, he would leave and go back to his life he so obviously wanted without her. She wouldn't mind him leaving the keys on his way out either.

Of course though she couldn't be that lucky. The door opened and right away he knew where she was. "Oh god Lily, please come out from under there." She just wrapped the blanket tighter. "Come on Lils, I thought maybe after coming back I'd get a warmer greeting!"

That was it. She didn't care how horrible she looked. She threw back the blanket and stood up and smacked him hard across the face. He fell back a few steps and his hands were rubbing his cheek where a red handprint was starting to appear. "Fuck Lily, what was that for?"

"Fuck me? Fuck me James? What did you expect after leaving me with the lamest sort of goodbye while I thought you were going to _propose_ to me and then you just expect to come into my apartment and your presence would make everything better?"

James was silent. Lily couldn't stand it. She was furious. She was on fire, and she needed him to go right back at her like they did back at Hogwarts.

Finally he spoke, but far from how Lily wanted to hear him. "You were expecting me to propose?" It was the first time he really looked at her since he arrived and he noticed she was wearing the same dress and her hair and makeup was a mess. "Lily, please don't tell me you've been here for the past three days." He then saw the tissues all over the floor, the mark the heels left on the wall, and the empty ice cream box. "Oh god Lily, I am so sorry," He got up to go take her into his arms like he used to do.

"Don't you dare touch me James." Shock was etched all over his face at her icy tone. He tried to protest but Lily wouldn't hear of it. "No James. I want you to tell me why you left, and then came back when you're obviously supposed to be training. And then I want you to leave."

"I never wanted to make you upset Lily-"

"Did you really think I'd be bouncing for joy after you left?"

James ignored her and continued. "I never wanted to make you upset. I had the reservation at _Vita_ and on my way to pick you up I stopped at my auror office when Moody told me I was being transferred and left in morning. I had no choice, and I realized if I was going to the states and you were staying here for healers academy. I had the ring and everything. I couldn't just propose to you and then walk out saying maybe I'd be back for us to get married."

"You could have James! Or I could have gone to school in the states where you were stationed,"

"Lily, you and I both know that _Apollo_ is the top healing school in the world. I couldn't ask you to through your dream away for me."

"What if I wanted to for myself? Maybe I want to be with you enough that healing isn't as important to me. I could find another job,"

"Lily, lily, you don't have to."

"God dammit James I want to!"

"Lily, just listen to me." He reached out for her hands and she willingly let him hold them tight. Tears started falling down her cheeks once more. He was making it so difficult. Could he see she wanted him? "Remember what I said in my letter to you, about how I can't live without out, knowing you're safe?"

"You mean the lies? Yeah I remember them." She yanked her hands out of his. James took a deep breath to remain calm.

"I meant every word I said. I was missing you with so much longing while I was appartating away. Once I got to the States, I didn't hear anything people were telling me because all I could hear was your laugh. When I tried to look at things, I could only see your face. I knew I had to come back Lily, and I did as soon as I could do all the paperwork saying I was retiring as an auror, and there were complications because most people don't retire at the age of twenty-two."

"James, no. You didn't. You loved being an auror."

"I did do it, and what I loved was knowing everything I was doing was to protect you. I went to Dumbledore and asked him if I could work full time for the Order. It's not like we'll need the money because my parents left me everything they had. And if you want to work and everything I can be a hundred percent supportive and cover the tuition costs for the world's best school."

Lily continued to cry, but this time with a huge smile across her face. She jumped into James arms, those safe protective arms she had been in such need for the last three days. James released himself from her and tears could be seen in his eyes, and he too had a huge grin. He laughed quietly, slightly embarrassed at his less than manly condition. He slowly lowered onto one leg and pulled out a little black box.

"Lily Evans, will you marry me?"

Lily didn't think there was any better way to be filled. She and James would be what once was forever more.

**I hope you guys liked it. I really would appreciate reviews so that I know what I should, shouldn't, and continue to do in any more writing I do.**

** 3**


End file.
